by Jordana LeSesne, she/her

This time of year and Trans Day of Remembrance can be very difficult for me, as unfortunately, like too many other trans people, I am a survivor of a hate crime that nearly took my life and derailed my career, sending my existence on a totally different trajectory than I ever planned. 

From a young age I knew I was trans, and much to the dismay of my mother who attempted to block who I was at every turn, it was quite evident. I knew exactly who I was and what I would become despite regular targeted violence and harassment against me. As a youth, I had it all planned out in a diary I kept, and in opposition to my detractors, my life progressed according to my vision. 

Music was my one refuge from the bullying, harassment, and hate while growing up. It later became my career and the central positive aspect of my life. In the 90s, I became one of the first music producers in the USA to experiment with the electronic dance music genre which would later become known as Drum and Bass. I was also the first trans woman to have a video on MTV in the USA, and I was on the cover of Mixmag, albeit with a cringe headline about “Can the rave scene handle it.” As a young artist I took advantage of the opportunities that presented themselves to me at the time, even in the face of overt exploitation. Persevering through all of that led to even greater opportunities. Unfortunately this would come to an end in the year 2000 when I was attacked and brutally beaten in a hate crime by a group of white men, following a gig while on tour for my Cities Collection Album. The police did nothing other than issue an arrest warrant for Matthew Gostlin, who to this day never has been arrested and even joked as late as 2020 on Facebook about what he did. 

Following the hate crime, I essentially was ignored by the music industry for well over a decade and actively bad-mouthed by my label owner at the time who publicly deadnames and misgenders me to this day. The same person sexually assaulted me. More recently I’ve had to deal with one of my early works being misappropriated 11 years ago, without my permission by Bassnectar without proper compensation even after he and his people signed a legal agreement to do so. It wasn’t until I involved an attorney from the Lavender Rights Project that I even heard from them 5 years later, in 2020. Despite this and many other acts by people who have harmed me, I am still here. Though I have never seen justice for multiple trauma inducing events has overshadowed my existence, it doesn't totally erase the highlights, such as an audience throwing roses onto the stage after one of my sets, or laughing and joking with MC Chickaboo and Dazee on the tour bus while on the largest Drum and Bass Tour in North America, meeting black trans activist Monica Roberts (Rest in Power) and influencing her to take Transgriot online and put together the first Transbrothas-Transsistahs convention, and most recently, collaborating with Mimi Page and ill.GATES on “The Future” a single and video on the latter’s 2021 album “The Arrival”. 

My continued existence is an act of defiance against those who have hoped to see my dead. I would rather this post be a story of how I went on to thrive rather than a story of survival, but for too many of us, getting through each day can be a struggle. Since 2008 the rate of violent acts against trans people has risen, rather than declined. For this reason I still use my voice and writing to speak out against bigotry and tell my story, to have visibility, and to encourage other trans people to continue living their truth, because if we don't, then those who seek to deny our truths and our humanity, prevail. 

For many trans people, to live anything but their truth is unthinkable and so we carry on. With the rise of anti-trans legislation during the Trump administration, and continued systemic bigotry, it can be difficult to find joy as a trans person, but that said I encourage those who can find joy, to focus on those things which bring them happiness, even if only temporarily, and continue to seek liberation from both internalized and external sources of pain. This is easier said than done, and I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I struggle with this almost daily, but we must not lose hope completely.

We are not alone in our struggles, and your successes will light the way for the trans youth of the future. I have observed and experienced that living as a trans woman mirrors the same expected trajectory of cis women in the 50s. Historically, we have largely been expected to perform femininity and be perfect models of womanhood to be seen as valid. That said, trans women and trans people in general should not be viewed as a monolith; like any other group of people that share common traits; we are nuanced and varied and of many interests, loves, orientations and life experiences. Society has forced us to unite on the basis of what we have in common which is why we are here doing this work. Don’t give up.

Jordana LeSesne, is an American musician originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She songwrites, produces and performs as Jordana. With a unique sound and a wide range of musical theory knowledge, she creates complex productions and energetic dj mixes. She is accredited as one of the early pioneers to innovate with Drum and Bass Stateside and is an original junglist. She's also an early contributor to UK Garage in London. Jordana has had numerous music videos and releases throughout her career and has been featured in many news publications and books as well as scored the soundtrack to the documentary “Free Cece”  by Laverne Cox and Jacqueline Gares.